I have seen a million and ten quotes on what a good woman is ‘supposed’ to be. Her qualities, deeds, thoughts, feelings, behavior, talk, dressing and then some. Dictation as to which I tick and cross across the list. Am I a good woman? According to a number of said quotes, I am. Others indicate that I am very close to it. My friends insist I am. But I am not certain of it myself. I will tell you why. One, some quotes insist that you attract what you put out, so if I am so good, how is it that there is so much shit around me? Two, doesn’t the definition of good vary from one person to the next? Three, is there anything as being too good that is backfires on you like a bounce back effect only it hurts? I have no idea. Honestly at this point am just going with the flow. It’s not as good as it sounds.
Being told how good a person I am has brought tears to my eyes plenty of times. Those bad days when everything is going downhill and I get a text, insisting I have a beautiful heart, I cry. Memories that are stuck in my head, images I am trying so hard to erase and when I can’t I try to understand them. Images of a person (who if I refer to as a woman, I am degrading others by the same title… but that’s just me) I once talked to. One that looked me in my eyes and said how sorry they were and if they had known they would never have done what they did. Flash forward two months later and now fully aware, her nude photos displayed on a phone screen. How on earth do you understand that? And if you do, please help me understand it too. A female, 27 years old, wakes up undresses, poses for images in the nude and sends them to a man she knows is seeing someone else. How do you understand that? How do you explain that?
Another person (I honestly can’t refer to them as women) drives in the rain to meet someone in the CBD, her box of Delmonte and a park of Dunhill cigarettes on the table. A simple question, and she lies. There’s a beauty accompanied by disgust when someone lies to your face when you are fully aware of the truth. Drama ensures. She later starts watching Criminal Minds to be able to deal with a safety hazard also known as me. A month later, I find out she has been waiting for contact just to find ways to irk me some more. My patience levels are high I tell you.
I have a tendency of having feelings. I have come to learn that this is unacceptable. Don’t ask the wrong questions, don’t feel. ‘I get where you are coming but I don’t understand why you are angry.’ I have listened to apologies to the point where they became meaningless. I have shared numerous quotes that say I am a good woman. I just need to convince me. Until then, I’ll remain a crazy girl struggling to understand people such as those mentioned above. I will find the beauty of a woman and become it.