Over the past six months I have faced, what I believe is the most difficult time of my life emotionally. I have hit rock bottom more than once. I have had moments when all I want to share is my personal life and all the fucked up people that have come my way. I have written piece upon piece in my head. I have cried a lot. A lot a lot. I have seen myself become a person I never thought I would be. I have seen myself vulnerable and not in a normal way. I have been broken a couple of times. Well maybe more than a couple. I have finally understood the meaning of priorities. Like really understood. I have come to realize as much as I like to see the best in people, they lie, disappoint, lie some more, care less, are very selfish, down right stupid and just purely malicious. I have met women I never thought existed, the kind that lie for people to score points and honestly I’m still struggling to understand how that works.
I have learnt to mask it all. Knowing which lipstick sent the right message and I wore it like I meant it. Had a couple of hours of pure joy only to drown back into misery. My nature. I have played song after song that define every emotion I have gone through, sometimes I think I have become an expert in picking this out. I have seen my childhood insecurities creep up slowly. My acting game has gone up. I wear the right lips and smile, make sure my eyeliner is on point. My hair, if not covered, looks good and even posed for pictures. I have stayed up most nights trying to work on something since working on me wasn’t working.
I have given humanity chances. I have given love chances. I have given people chances. They were all thrown back at my face. I have learnt that being human may not be the best thing. That people are full of bullshit and they will always disappoint you. I have been sexually harassed by strangers twice and that hurt like hell. I have turned the other cheek so much I think they are both worn out.
But I have also come upon strangers willing to listen. If for nothing, just to listen. People sending me messages to let me know they are there. I discovered I have three amazing friends that would do anything for me within their means. I have found comfort in Facebook memes and everyday messages from yet another friend. I have found comfort in Facebook pages and groups that tell me I’m worth something and shouldn’t stop fighting for me. I have learnt that my weakest point is my heart, but it is also my strongest.
Now I get it. I know what I need to do. It’s hard, I swear to you. Even the thought of it just makes my eyes water, but it is about time I became selfish.
Thanks for writing this, I totally relate. But this is my advice, let not what life has done to you make you change who you really are. Don’t loose ends
Thank you love.
Your never alone and its never too late to learn ,and trust me your the most strongest person ever, love you and thank you for being so dear .
Thank you. Love you too. Miss you more
I know how you feel; trust me. But no matter what, don’t let the evil and ‘ugly’ of the world and society change you. You’re precious