Over the past six months I have faced, what I believe is the most difficult time of my life emotionally. I have hit rock bottom more than once. I have had moments when all I want to share is my personal life and all the fucked up people that have come my way. I have written piece upon piece in my head. I have cried a lot. A lot a lot. I have seen myself become a person I never thought I would be. I have seen myself vulnerable and not in a normal way. I have been broken a couple of times. Well maybe more than a couple. I have finally understood the meaning of priorities. Like really understood. I have come to realize as much as I like to see the best in people, they lie, disappoint, lie some more, care less, are very selfish, down right stupid and just purely malicious. I have met women I never thought existed, the kind that lie for people to score points and honestly I’m still struggling to understand how that works.
I have learnt to mask it all. Knowing which lipstick sent the right message and I wore it like I meant it. Had a couple of hours of pure joy only to drown back into misery. My nature. I have played song after song that define every emotion I have gone through, sometimes I think I have become an expert in picking this out. I have seen my childhood insecurities creep up slowly. My acting game has gone up. I wear the right lips and smile, make sure my eyeliner is on point. My hair, if not covered, looks good and even posed for pictures. I have stayed up most nights trying to work on something since working on me wasn’t working.
I have given humanity chances. I have given love chances. I have given people chances. They were all thrown back at my face. I have learnt that being human may not be the best thing. That people are full of bullshit and they will always disappoint you. I have been sexually harassed by strangers twice and that hurt like hell. I have turned the other cheek so much I think they are both worn out.
But I have also come upon strangers willing to listen. If for nothing, just to listen. People sending me messages to let me know they are there. I discovered I have three amazing friends that would do anything for me within their means. I have found comfort in Facebook memes and everyday messages from yet another friend. I have found comfort in Facebook pages and groups that tell me I’m worth something and shouldn’t stop fighting for me. I have learnt that my weakest point is my heart, but it is also my strongest.
Now I get it. I know what I need to do. It’s hard, I swear to you. Even the thought of it just makes my eyes water, but it is about time I became selfish.