Sweet tooth

Saturday 12th  May 2006.

It was a good day, hell

It was a great day.

See, my stupid boyfriend then,

Had not yelled at me.

Not a word.

Not a single insult.

This was very rare.

Every time it happened

I found myself smiling.

It was another day to heal.

Another day with no new scar.

I was full of joy.

The rare kind.

For this, this kinda feeling

I wasn’t used to.

It felt good.

It felt really good.

 

I was the first one in her room,

Excited just to tell her how good I felt,

Share my illusion of happiness.

And there she was.

Dangling lifeless from the ceiling.

I rushed to hold up her feet

Reduce the pressure of gravity,

Hoping it wasn’t too late.

Stella, Stella, Stella I called,

Silence!

Stella I whispered

I could feel her cold legs on my skin,

But I stood still, still clutching at them,

Waiting, waiting for her life to come back.

I had to.

I needed to.

I couldn’t live with the guilt of knowing.

I felt responsible.

She had to come back,

She needed to come back,

I needed her to come back.

So I stood there,

And all I wanted for that moment,

Was one breath, but nothing.

I stood still, waiting for one last breath,

Nothing!

 

I knew it was my fault,

I should have done something,

Said something,

Told someone.

But what would it have changed?

What could I do now?

I had consoled myself when I first saw the signs,

At least she was older than me when it begun.

I had told myself.

The memories came flooding in

As if it had just happened moments before.

I love you baby girl

The whisper in my ear,

My shoulder pinned down,

The huge hand that fit both my wrists,

Holding them over my head.

The other pulling at my skirt,

Confused at what was happening,

The overwhelming sudden attention.

The pain that followed,

Froze my thoughts.

I fought to get up,

But he pushed me back down,

Changed his mind,

Got up,

Pulled me by my hair and turned me over.

Pushed my head into the pillow,

So hard, I was paralysed.

I could only clench my teeth so hard

My gum hurt.

After he was done,

He looked at me, smiled,

Good girl

Gave me a chocolate bar and said mother shouldn’t find out.

How could she?

She was never around.

He said it was because he loved me, so much!

He couldn’t stand not being with me.

I was his most precious gift,

I would save him,

And I believed it.

Bloody bastard!

I couldn’t fight him,

So I chose acceptance.

 

His love was so immense,

That every time he had a fight with mother,

He’d run to me,

Or so I thought.

I received a gift and served his needs.

Then time came and I had to leave for boarding school.

Stella at that time only two years younger than me,

Became his new found solace.

At first I got jealous,

Didn’t understand why he couldn’t just wait for me,

It was a month and a half, 6-8 weeks for crying out loud.

Wasn’t I good enough anymore?

Why did we have to share him?

I despised Stella for ‘stealing’ his love from me.

But little did I know,

She was saving me.

School was a good place,

I later came to learn,

I understood.

I was brighter.

If I told mother she wouldn’t understand,

She never listened to me.

Stella hated him for what he did.

I could feel her pain and shared it.

So much that at times I offered myself in her place.

She tried avoiding him,

But he always found a way.

Nights I had cried myself to sleep,

I tried to tell mother.

I remember her calling me Malaya, liar

Throwing it in my face

Saying it was for my own good,

My fault if true.

I deserved it!

And anyway how could he even be attracted to a thing like me,

Something so worthless.

Just for that, I continued.

Hoping that one day she’d find us,

Just to spite her.

Throw it in her face that he loved me,

More than he did her,

That I was his precious gift,

That I would save his life,

Not her,

Not Jesus.

I would save him.

 

My legs were getting numb,

And Stella’s colder,

But I couldn’t let her go.

I still waited for her life to come back.

And that’s when he walked in,

Looked at Stella’s hanging body,

Then at my zombie like state,

Walked closer,

And with a smug smile on his face,

whispered in my ear,

Guess it’s back to being just you,

And walked out.