I come from a big family. Especially my dad’s side. There are too many people, on that end since my great granddad had 3 wives and 21 kids. Then The 21 gave birth to my dad’s generation. In short on that front alone I have over 100 cousins. Unfortunately these are people I only see when death knocks in the family. They see each other during burials. Once my dad told his younger brother ‘See you in the next burial’ as we were heading home from one burial. Honestly I think it’s sad, but I also don’t think there is anything I can do about it. The fact that most of the members of my dad’ family don’t even know me.
I remember a couple of years back when I said hello to one of my dad’s cousin in westlands as I was heading to work and he looked at me like I was those kids in the streets who call everyone aunty or uncle smart. It was so embarrassing and I said I’d never try it again. Few weeks later he came to our place and didn’t even recognize me. Ever felt like screaming in someone’s face? That’s how I felt.
Two days ago my uncle died (dad’s cousin). He wasn’t old so we often referred to him as a cousin if not by his name. It’s sad he died and worse still on my mum’s birthday. But what’s worse is the fact that I don’t think I have the right to mourn him. I hardly knew him on a personal level and it’s very conflicting and feels pretentious. I won’t lie, I have never cried for anyone who has ever died in my family and I think it’s because they have always treated me like I was invisible. I didn’t know them on a personal level and some didn’t even know I existed. For some reason, this is very sad. I don’t know if it’s because of the fact that now death has trickled to the next generation. The burial I have attended before were for the older generation. Grandmothers and grandfathers but now it has moved to the next generation and I think that is why this instance is scary.
Today is day 4 of my #100daysofpositivity cum #100daysofhappiness and my emotions are all over the place. I am seriously confused. Because If I continue it feels like I am overlooking the fact that he died. If I mourn, I feel like I’m lying to myself. I’m in a space that is very confusing and no one to talk to. I don’t know if anyone out there has been through such a thing. If you have please help. Is it my family obligation to mourn him or should I just continue with my journey and not feel guilty about it. My heart has no idea what to do and my head is at an even worse space.
SOS, I’m calling out for help.